Frustration

loneliness and venting about paraphile/pedo stuff

Created: 2025-11-07

Last Edited: 2025-11-07

A note: I've written and rewritten this entry so many times and it still feels like an incoherent ramble. Perhaps I'm just overcritical of my own writing. Anyhow, this will be the final revision I make and I'm not gonna stress out over it anymore. A while ago, I wrote an entry titled "Warmth". As with this entry I've also recently gone over the above to make additions and flesh it out. There's no need to read it in order to understand this, but I do believe that this pairs well with that.

The knowledge that I can't really let my guard down around others gets to me sometimes, when I'm too exhausted to ignore it. It's background noise, always there even if faint. Sometimes, I forget about it for a while, but then something yanks it to the front of my mind and the isolation sets in again. Everything passes eventually, I just claw my way through it. But still. Ever since realizing I was a pedo, I just wanted to find somewhere I could truly let all that fear and anxiety go.

Well, tough shit. The community cultures of these places that accept pedos/paraphiles suck too. There's lot of straight up white supremacism, misogyny, ageism and other bigotry; plus a large serving of assimilationism and abuse apologia to go along with it. These attitudes are not unique in any way to these communities, but they do feel rather pronounced. I came to sort of hate anti-c spaces ^[1], and found pro-c spaces just barely tolerable ^[2].

Maybe it was naive to wish for something different.

My optimism in finding a community that wasn't a complete cesspool didn't feel naive at the time. It's not as if every single person in those communities was awful, that's impossible. After seeing what I saw though, I straight up don't want to deal with the stress of navigating bigoted shit just for superficial acceptance. And where to go from here, most people are completely pedophobic; even self-described "freaks" and "queers" are massive hypocrites when it comes to the concept of incredibly taboo sexuality like pedo/zoophilia/incest.

Nowadays I keep to myself. That's the smartest decision I think. To say I've completely given up hope would be a lie, that's probably why this still hurts. Yet, I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea that it will be this way forever.