Warmth

a short reflection

Created: 2024-08-23

Last Edited: 2025-11-07

Being a pedo makes me happy.

That's never really been an odd thing to think for me. I think I somehow managed to skip the part where you're supposed wallow in shame over thinking about kissing or fucking kids. Actually, that's not too surprising; I had already come to learn that being attracted to kids didn't make someone an abuser or rapist simply because of their sexual attraction, and that expressing your attraction wasn't a bad thing. And so when I finally realized, that the feelings I sometimes had when looking at a particularly attractive kid in a movie or talking to one I liked, were not only platonic, but romantic and sexual too, I didn't feel awful. Surprised, curious even. The only thing I could really think initially was, "what a lot of new, wonderful feelings to explore". No matter how aggressive people get, I can’t stop thinking that, it’s impossible not to.

These feelings bring a deep warmth to my heart, and even though the outside world may be hostile towards it, I won’t let anything take this joy away from me. Over the past few years, I was able to recognize that my feelings towards kids could not only be platonic, but sexual and romantic as well. And the only thing I could think when I realized this was: what a lot of new, wonderful feelings to explore. No matter how aggressive people get, I can’t stop thinking that, it’s impossible not to.

It's been a long time since I was close enough to someone to fall in love with them, let alone a kid. One half of me is dying from loneliness and the other prays it stays that way. Whatever negative feelings the current reality brings me is quite distant for now. But, sometimes I wonder how I’d react emotionally to growing particularly close to a kid who I am in love with. We’ll see, I suppose.

My sexuality is never the real source of my stress, but others always are. Sometimes, I wonder if I can actually form a close connection to someone else if they don’t accept I’m a pedo. It would always be artificial. It took a little while to realize the invisible walls that had gone up between me and those close to me. If they knew they might abandon me, or maybe try to ruin my life because of it. Can a relationship of any kind be real if that kind of threat always looms behind it? Now, I don’t necessarily have to tell people I want to fuck or kiss kids. However, the art I create is a big part of my life. And a good portion of my art and my writing is pedophilic in some way. It pretty much just gives it away. Yes, I could hide that as well. But, I can’t have a close relationship with another person if I hide away what’s important to me in a box. At this point I'm finally uninterested in compromising for others.